Year 38

At some point in your life you just want to stop counting birthdays...cause they mean you are getting old right??? At least that is what I used to think.  But I have discovered that each birthday means another year you have to live the life that you want. The trick is making sure that it is really what you want and not what you think you should want or what someone else wants for you.  I think that I lived the life that other people wanted me to live or that I thought I was suppose to live and then I wondered why I wasnt happy or successful. How can we be successful when we arent happy in what we are doing? That doesnt just mean a job.  That includes friendships, relationships, hobbies, religion...etc.  I always seemed to be reaching for this untainable goal only to find out that really wasnt the goal I wanted and I wasted all that time.  At 38 I am heavier than I would like to be and no I don't have the job that makes a lot of money.  In fact I dont have a job outside my home at all. But at 38 I am probably the most content that I have ever been. I have a husband that loves me more than he loves himself. My happiness is the most important thing to him.  I love my husband more than anything in the world and his happiness means everything to me.  He is the man I would have never chosen in my younger years but the man that I am so glad that the adult me was so much smarter to choose.  I have the most amazing son who thinks that I am the most beautiful person in the world and loves me with all his heart, which by the way is such a sweet and caring heart.  I was blessed with an angel baby, my sweet girl Olivia, that changed me in way that made me such a better person. The short time she was in my life made me stop and look at life in such a different way. I know with all my heart that she is watching from heaven with my mom and both of them are proud of the mother and woman that I have become. The greatest thing about this year is that my heart is even closer to God than it has ever been. Last year he stripped me of the rose colored glasses I had been looking through and made me take a long hard look at myself.  I was a control freak. I needed to control every aspect of my life. Well God showed me that he was the one that needed to be in control and nothing I was ever going to do was going to compare to what he could do in my life. I tell you giving him that control was the very best thing that I have ever done. I used to be afraid to say anything about him or my faith....that might have made me look like a "Jesus Freak" or not cool.  I look back and think about all the people that I have encountered in my life and how I for sure didnt show my faith and it makes me sad.  I promised myself I would never do that again.  Any chance I get I tell people my story of loss and how God showed me his blessings and how I chose to learn to dance in the rain and not hide from it.
So 38 is going to be my best year yet.

Held

I have had this song by Natalie Grant running through my mind for days now.  Its a beautiful song called Held  that talks about a mother losing her 2 month old son.   Of course this song strikes a cord with me because I lost Olivia but also because of the message it sends.  When the horrible unthinkable things happen in our life and we cant possibly understand why God would do something like that to us.  I mean doesnt being a Christian mean that life is going to be easy for us?  God has our back so he wont let anything bad happen to us right?  That was never his promise to us.  I didnt realize that until the past 2 years.  God always answers our prayers, but not always the way that we want.  But who are we to know what is really what we need.  God designed us. He knows us.  The one thing he did promise is that he would be there with us every step of the way if we let him.  I decided early  in my pregnancy that I would give the control to God and that his will would be done. I did the same thing with my mom's cancer.  A lot of people didnt understand how I could be so calm and at peace about the diagnosis for Olivia. First she is my daugther and nothing would make me love her any less.  I mean would you love your child less because her or she was diagnosed with cancer or some other type of medical condition?  No you wouldn't.  Down Syndrome was a part of her and I loved her.  It never crossed my mind to think she wasnt normal. That is the peace that having faith in God does for you.  I knew that whatever happened he had my back. 

Even Princesses Can Have Down Syndrome

Today I mailed a onesie to Olivia's birthday buddy Aalyza.  This is significant because Aalyza like Olivia also has down syndrome and they were born on the same day.  Just happened by chance that Aalyza was born in a hospital where a friend of mine from high school works and she met Aalyza's momma.  Julie, my friend, also has 2 sons with down syndrome (one born to her and the other adopted but born into her heart), so she makes it a special point to introduce herself to new DS mommies. She took me under her wing as well.  They became facebook friends and I was so drawn to her and I didnt really know why (at that point didnt know her birthday) and added her mommie as a friend also. Which by the way mommies with children with down syndrome are the most accepting wonderful women that I have ever been blessed to meet. 
The significance of this onsie is that was given to me by a dear friend who got it from another little girl with down syndrome and when I receieved it I knew that once Olivia outgrew it, I would have to pass it on to the next little girl with down syndrome. Sadly Olivia was never going to wear the onesie because God had other plans for my sweet girl and she was born an angel baby.  At first I didnt want to pass on the onesie because it was Olivia's and it made a statement about how she was to us and so many other people.  Then I found out that Aalyza was born the same day as Olivia and I knew that she was the baby girl that was meant to wear it.  I kinda kept putting off saying anything to her mommie because I didnt want to upset her and I wasnt sure exactly how she would react. I mean she really didnt know me other than I was a mommie of a child with Down Syndrome that had died (or so I thought she knew but I was wrong).  I decided that it was time to rip that bandaid and send her a message asking her if she would even want it since it was coming from a mommie whose baby was an angel baby.  Her response threw me a tad because she was very excited and told me that she was going to make some and would send one to Olivia. That was when I realized she didnt know Olivia had died on the same day Aalyza was born. I felt so horrible because I knew I would have to explain and I knew it would break her heart and that was not what I wanted to do.  It did and I cried when I found out she cried (us emotional women) because I understood.  Her sweet girl had not been home from the hospital long and that could have been her.  Thank goodness it was not because now I get to see how she grows and thrives and it mends my broken heart a little more each time I see a picture of her.

I had made the decision to give it to her months ago, but just couldnt bring myself to put it in the mail.  I made excuse after excuse.  Oh I didnt have gas in my car (that was the worst) or I didnt have the $1.71 it would take to mail it  or I was tired and had stuff to do.  This morning I realized that I was holding onto it because I was scared.  Scared to give away anything that was Olivia's for fear that would mean that a part of her would be lost.  But how wrong I am.  When I see that sweet girl in that onesie I will know that my girl is her guardian angel watching over her everyday.  No part of Olivia will ever be lost. 

New Year New Resolve

Okay so last year was the pits! I planned on starting a blog and keeping with it since I had so many thoughts I wanted to put down.  I think I put too much pressure on myself. This year I am removing that pressure.  Am I going to try and eat healthier....yes I am....Am I going to freak out if one day I eat 6 cookies....no I am not.....Am I going to start one exercise habit....yes I am.....Am I going to give up because one week I don't follow that routine...no I am not. This is my life and I have to start living it...not looking back and wondering what if??? No amount of second guessing myself will change anything that has already happened. Is this a new years resolution......oh heck no. That would be adding the pressure back on to myself. I think we spend our lives looking at others and wondering why cant I have that?  Oh I am so guilty of that one. Why cant I have my mom to call when I am sad or happy or just bored and wanna talk....why cant I have my daugther to hold and play with......why cant I stay in my 18 year old body.....oh and the list could go on and on.  Sitting in my living room looking around me I notice that I am pretty darn lucky.  Is life perfect???? Oh heck no.  But really who has a perfect life.....your best friend...a movie star...a pastor... Nobody has a prefect life. But I can promise that we all can have a life that is perfect for us. God gave us all the imperfections so that we will always be aware of how lucky we will be one day when we go to heaven and achieve that pefection we all desire. I think the closest we will ever be to perfection is a new born baby.
So with all this said I am going to continue to thank God everyday for the blessings that I see and that I receive. I will enjoy even the most mundane tasks.  Because I know one day I will be able to talk to mom again and hold Olivia in my arms....Nothing will ever compare to the promise I have from God of eternal life.

National Down Syndrome Awareness Month #1 of 31 of 21

I realize this is also Breast Cancer Awareness month, but it is also Down Syndrome Awareness month. A lot the DS mommies that I have met are doing 31 of 21 on their blogs, facebook..etc and I thought I would follow the trend.  So this is #1 of 31 of 21. The word retarded.  I personally have been guilty of this using this word and various versions of it on occasion.  I didn't think about the impact of the word until I found out that I was having a "reatarded" baby.  I put that in quotes because I never ever considered Olivia retarded. She was my baby...plain and simple. That is how any mom looks at her child regardless of any labels society decides to put on them.  Yes technically children with Down Syndrome are considered mentally retarded. When this term was applied to them it was not a negative term. It just meant that they were slower at accomplishing things sometimes than a typical child. Society changed retareded into a negative term.  Just like the words bitch, ass and bastard.  Each of those terms are now considered curse words that are used to insult someone. Bitch is a female dog. Ass is a donkey. Bastard is a child without a father.  So my challenge on this first day of NDSAM to teach your children, friends and family not to use the word retard to insult one another.  Stop and think about each and every child or adult with special needs (not just Down Syndrome).  How would you feel if it was your child or loved one? Its one word but it does a lot of damage.  Olivia was not "retarded". She was a beautiful loving little girl who earned her angel wings too early and she was is and always be my sweet baby girl.

Olivia Jean Edge

My sweet baby girl Olivia Jean earned her wings on July 13, 2011.  I found out I was pregnant with Olivia on December 10, 2010.  I was excited and scared all at the same time.  Anyone who has had a miscarriage understands this feeling. I had 2 prior miscarriages to this pregnancy so it was a scary thought, but we wanted this so badly so it was also so very exciting.  To add to the excitement was the fact that her due date was Aug 17th....what would have been my parent's 40th wedding anniversary. I also knew that mom was living on borrowed time at this point. She had begun to lose her battle with cancer at this point. So this was a very overwhelming point in our lives. David was so excited. However we were on pins and needles until we saw her heartbeat for the first time on January 11, 2011.  That was the most amazing feeling. The ultrasound tech told us it was a fast strong heartbeat 155 per min.  My friends teased me that it was a girl since the heartbeat was so fast..... they knew I wanted another boy.  Tanner was 11 at that time and so all I knew was how to raise a boy.  Well because I am 37 I was sent to a high risk doctor at 18 weeks along in March.  Just so happened to be March 21st.  That is important because that is National Down Syndrome Awareness day.  That also happens to be the day we found out we were having a little girl and that she had Down Syndrome. I knew this was a possibility due to my age. There was the initial shock and sadness over the loss of what we thought was suppose to be our "perfect" baby. How wrong was our view of "perfect".  It was a fleeting moment of sadness that was quickly replaced by the joy of being pregnant with the girl I never knew I so dearly wanted. Sadly on that day we also found out that mom wasn't responding to chemo anymore and that borrowed time had run out. I think the thing that most impacted me was what my mom said when we told her Olivia had Down Syndrome...she said " Laurie, now don't borrow trouble. The first thing I thought when you said Olivia had Down Syndrome was...who better suited to have a child with special needs than you. Even as a child you have always had a soft spot for children with disabilities."  What a compliment for my mom to have that much faith in me.  Even more was for God to trust me that much. So the "issue" of Down Syndrome became a "non-issue" really fast. David struggled a little bit more with it but it was more that he didn't want other people treating Olivia different and that he didn't understand why others (meaning druggies, child abusers etc.) were able to have children that were "perfect" (once again with that pesky word - remember I said how wrong we found out what we had been taught "perfect" was) while our daughter would not be.... I told him to imagine Olivia being born into that family and what her life would be like... she was going to be born into a loving and accepting family who loved her period! He smiled and told me thank you for the reality check...after that it was a part of Olivia not what defined her.  I went to the doctor pretty much every week after that. The pregnancy took a huge toll on my body.  I was not able to travel to Texas to see my mom and I had to make a decision as to whether to see my mom and chance losing Olivia or stay home and not see her before she passed away. Mom made that choice and it was Olivia. While mom fought to live I fought to keep Olivia alive. We knew she had a congenital heart defect.  On June 6th I had two doc appts.  My bro sent me a text letting me know mom was getting really bad and she might not make it through the night. David and I met with the pediatric cardiologist and he told us that Olivia did have a heart defect but it was common in children with Down Syndrome and that he didn't think she would require surgery until she was 3 or 4 years old.  I asked him if I could travel to see my mom or if that would hurt Olivia. He said as long as I took it easy then Olivia would be fine. David and I decided that we would leave at 4 am and head to San Antonio. My mom died that night. We still went to see dad and for mom's memorial service.  Next appt was the following Tuesday. Miss Olivia still looked good. Now that I look back I knew something wasn't right. Her heartbeat would drop significantly on the monitors but would always spike right back, but I remember feeling like something was off but I just ignored it.  I went on bed rest because I was in a lot of pain. On July 12th David was going to Tulsa to get Tanner from the airport after his visit with his Dad for the summer and I had a regular scheduled appointment with my doctor. I woke up in a crabby mood which wasn't like me and I made a comment that I was crabby because I woke up pregnant still... not knowing that our baby girl had died.  I even said it to the receptionist and the nurse.  I had been scheduled to be induced on July 27th. So I was at the appt by myself which normally David went to all of them but he had to get Tanner that day. Almost immediately I knew something was wrong. I didn't see her heartbeat. I ask the tech and she said I am so sorry Laurie. I just sat up and screamed NO. I couldn't believe that I had just lost my mom and now Olivia. Was this a cruel joke????  And on the one day David wasn't there. I got my phone and frantically dialed his number but he didn't answer. He was in the shower. So I called my best friend and told her to keep calling him so that he didn't go to Tulsa and leave me alone.  All I could think was why me...why now... I did everything right.  God why??? Then I stopped right there one the ultrasound table and said outloud...NO I am not blaming God for this... he had a reason and I trust him.  I was able to get ahold of David and he rushed to my side and we cried together.  I delivered her the very next day. I am not sure what I expected but the blessings that God gave me from that point on have been nothing short of amazing. I will post more about the delivery in another post!

Where to start

This year is probably going to go down in the books as the best/worst year of my life. Let me start with the end of 2010. The end of September David, Tanner, my mom and I took a trip to Disney World.  This is significant because the September prior my mom had been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in her liver.  This was her second bought with cancer so we knew that we were living on borrowed time. So David and I decided that we wanted to spend some quality time with her and we knew how much she loved Disney....of course that gave us the perfect excuse to take a trip we had also been wanting to take.  This also happened to be Tanner's 11th birthday so it was perfect timing. We had the best time. Mom tired out a lot but she was so happy. I knew that she wasnt going to be with us much longer so after that vacation David and I decided we would try and get pregnant again. This was a scary prospect since we had already had a miscarriage that almost killed me in December 2008, but I wanted my mom to see me pregnant and have something to look forward to as she continued to fight.  So I became pregnant with Olivia in November 2010.  In December mom took a turn for the worse and we knew this was it....even if we weren't ready to admit to ourselves.  That was the beginning of the best/worst year of my life. Throughout all the events of this year God has shown me his grace and blessings.  Keep reading my future posts and I will share with you the events of this year and also my daily life. It is much too long for one post. :)