Year 38

At some point in your life you just want to stop counting birthdays...cause they mean you are getting old right??? At least that is what I used to think.  But I have discovered that each birthday means another year you have to live the life that you want. The trick is making sure that it is really what you want and not what you think you should want or what someone else wants for you.  I think that I lived the life that other people wanted me to live or that I thought I was suppose to live and then I wondered why I wasnt happy or successful. How can we be successful when we arent happy in what we are doing? That doesnt just mean a job.  That includes friendships, relationships, hobbies, religion...etc.  I always seemed to be reaching for this untainable goal only to find out that really wasnt the goal I wanted and I wasted all that time.  At 38 I am heavier than I would like to be and no I don't have the job that makes a lot of money.  In fact I dont have a job outside my home at all. But at 38 I am probably the most content that I have ever been. I have a husband that loves me more than he loves himself. My happiness is the most important thing to him.  I love my husband more than anything in the world and his happiness means everything to me.  He is the man I would have never chosen in my younger years but the man that I am so glad that the adult me was so much smarter to choose.  I have the most amazing son who thinks that I am the most beautiful person in the world and loves me with all his heart, which by the way is such a sweet and caring heart.  I was blessed with an angel baby, my sweet girl Olivia, that changed me in way that made me such a better person. The short time she was in my life made me stop and look at life in such a different way. I know with all my heart that she is watching from heaven with my mom and both of them are proud of the mother and woman that I have become. The greatest thing about this year is that my heart is even closer to God than it has ever been. Last year he stripped me of the rose colored glasses I had been looking through and made me take a long hard look at myself.  I was a control freak. I needed to control every aspect of my life. Well God showed me that he was the one that needed to be in control and nothing I was ever going to do was going to compare to what he could do in my life. I tell you giving him that control was the very best thing that I have ever done. I used to be afraid to say anything about him or my faith....that might have made me look like a "Jesus Freak" or not cool.  I look back and think about all the people that I have encountered in my life and how I for sure didnt show my faith and it makes me sad.  I promised myself I would never do that again.  Any chance I get I tell people my story of loss and how God showed me his blessings and how I chose to learn to dance in the rain and not hide from it.
So 38 is going to be my best year yet.

Held

I have had this song by Natalie Grant running through my mind for days now.  Its a beautiful song called Held  that talks about a mother losing her 2 month old son.   Of course this song strikes a cord with me because I lost Olivia but also because of the message it sends.  When the horrible unthinkable things happen in our life and we cant possibly understand why God would do something like that to us.  I mean doesnt being a Christian mean that life is going to be easy for us?  God has our back so he wont let anything bad happen to us right?  That was never his promise to us.  I didnt realize that until the past 2 years.  God always answers our prayers, but not always the way that we want.  But who are we to know what is really what we need.  God designed us. He knows us.  The one thing he did promise is that he would be there with us every step of the way if we let him.  I decided early  in my pregnancy that I would give the control to God and that his will would be done. I did the same thing with my mom's cancer.  A lot of people didnt understand how I could be so calm and at peace about the diagnosis for Olivia. First she is my daugther and nothing would make me love her any less.  I mean would you love your child less because her or she was diagnosed with cancer or some other type of medical condition?  No you wouldn't.  Down Syndrome was a part of her and I loved her.  It never crossed my mind to think she wasnt normal. That is the peace that having faith in God does for you.  I knew that whatever happened he had my back. 

Even Princesses Can Have Down Syndrome

Today I mailed a onesie to Olivia's birthday buddy Aalyza.  This is significant because Aalyza like Olivia also has down syndrome and they were born on the same day.  Just happened by chance that Aalyza was born in a hospital where a friend of mine from high school works and she met Aalyza's momma.  Julie, my friend, also has 2 sons with down syndrome (one born to her and the other adopted but born into her heart), so she makes it a special point to introduce herself to new DS mommies. She took me under her wing as well.  They became facebook friends and I was so drawn to her and I didnt really know why (at that point didnt know her birthday) and added her mommie as a friend also. Which by the way mommies with children with down syndrome are the most accepting wonderful women that I have ever been blessed to meet. 
The significance of this onsie is that was given to me by a dear friend who got it from another little girl with down syndrome and when I receieved it I knew that once Olivia outgrew it, I would have to pass it on to the next little girl with down syndrome. Sadly Olivia was never going to wear the onesie because God had other plans for my sweet girl and she was born an angel baby.  At first I didnt want to pass on the onesie because it was Olivia's and it made a statement about how she was to us and so many other people.  Then I found out that Aalyza was born the same day as Olivia and I knew that she was the baby girl that was meant to wear it.  I kinda kept putting off saying anything to her mommie because I didnt want to upset her and I wasnt sure exactly how she would react. I mean she really didnt know me other than I was a mommie of a child with Down Syndrome that had died (or so I thought she knew but I was wrong).  I decided that it was time to rip that bandaid and send her a message asking her if she would even want it since it was coming from a mommie whose baby was an angel baby.  Her response threw me a tad because she was very excited and told me that she was going to make some and would send one to Olivia. That was when I realized she didnt know Olivia had died on the same day Aalyza was born. I felt so horrible because I knew I would have to explain and I knew it would break her heart and that was not what I wanted to do.  It did and I cried when I found out she cried (us emotional women) because I understood.  Her sweet girl had not been home from the hospital long and that could have been her.  Thank goodness it was not because now I get to see how she grows and thrives and it mends my broken heart a little more each time I see a picture of her.

I had made the decision to give it to her months ago, but just couldnt bring myself to put it in the mail.  I made excuse after excuse.  Oh I didnt have gas in my car (that was the worst) or I didnt have the $1.71 it would take to mail it  or I was tired and had stuff to do.  This morning I realized that I was holding onto it because I was scared.  Scared to give away anything that was Olivia's for fear that would mean that a part of her would be lost.  But how wrong I am.  When I see that sweet girl in that onesie I will know that my girl is her guardian angel watching over her everyday.  No part of Olivia will ever be lost. 

New Year New Resolve

Okay so last year was the pits! I planned on starting a blog and keeping with it since I had so many thoughts I wanted to put down.  I think I put too much pressure on myself. This year I am removing that pressure.  Am I going to try and eat healthier....yes I am....Am I going to freak out if one day I eat 6 cookies....no I am not.....Am I going to start one exercise habit....yes I am.....Am I going to give up because one week I don't follow that routine...no I am not. This is my life and I have to start living it...not looking back and wondering what if??? No amount of second guessing myself will change anything that has already happened. Is this a new years resolution......oh heck no. That would be adding the pressure back on to myself. I think we spend our lives looking at others and wondering why cant I have that?  Oh I am so guilty of that one. Why cant I have my mom to call when I am sad or happy or just bored and wanna talk....why cant I have my daugther to hold and play with......why cant I stay in my 18 year old body.....oh and the list could go on and on.  Sitting in my living room looking around me I notice that I am pretty darn lucky.  Is life perfect???? Oh heck no.  But really who has a perfect life.....your best friend...a movie star...a pastor... Nobody has a prefect life. But I can promise that we all can have a life that is perfect for us. God gave us all the imperfections so that we will always be aware of how lucky we will be one day when we go to heaven and achieve that pefection we all desire. I think the closest we will ever be to perfection is a new born baby.
So with all this said I am going to continue to thank God everyday for the blessings that I see and that I receive. I will enjoy even the most mundane tasks.  Because I know one day I will be able to talk to mom again and hold Olivia in my arms....Nothing will ever compare to the promise I have from God of eternal life.